Tonight I had a HUGE fight with my sister. I mean humongous! We probably shouldn't even be talking right now, but that's not how we were raised. We love. We fight. Then we love again. That is just what we do. I just get tired and hurt because she doesn't see me and I don't see her when we get like this. And, the fights are always over stupid things. We never have fights over things that really matter. They are always, ALWAYS stupid. It has been going on for years. Since we were kids. I, however, am tired. I am 41 and she is 47. We should not being communicating the same way we did as kids. Nevertheless, there are times when we just can't see eye to eye. Times where I feel like she is pushing me around and I won't back down. Times she feels like I'm crazy and I just like to argue for no reason. I need to understand why...I think. I really just want it to stop. Conflict is fine, but the arguing has to cease.
Our rivalry is not not about fashion or men or professions. Most often it just feels like a competition to see who is right. The irony is that no one ever wins. Not in real life. Maybe in my mind I think, "I'm right!" In her mind she may be thinking the same thing. It doesn't matter. Even if I am right, I never remember that. What I really remember is the pain and hurt of the argument. How sad is that?
Recently, a good friend of mine lost her sister to cancer. It was devastatingly difficult time for her and my heart grieved for her. I could only imagine the heartbreak I would feel if I lose my sister.
Truthfully, the loss of a family member is a very real possibility. My sister told me last week that the lumps in her breast ( two that she found last year which were benign) have gotten larger and they are now starting to hurt. I wanted to cry. We are also in the process of watching my grandmother battle with leukemia. And, we fight often with our mother who is diabetic and is not attentive to her nutrition and exercise as she should be. It is a difficult time for my family. So maybe the fight was a by-product of the emotional turmoil we are dealing with on a daily basis.
If something happens to my sister I don't want my memories of her to be the hurt and pain of petty arguments. We have a good time together. We laugh about silly stuff. We watch crazy TV shows together. The reality shows are our current favorites (ironically the impetus of our argument tonight). She is my on-call handy man and as a teenager I was her partner in crime for moving and finding thrown away treasures on street curbs for her to refurbish. During a recent heartbreak, she came over to my house and just let me cry. Without any judgement. She, along with my other two sisters, my mama, and my granny, are my rocks! They are the reason I am the survivor that I am today. I love her with all of my heart. So why do we fight over stupid stuff. I guess that is what sisters do. We love. We fight. And then, we LOVE again! I wouldn't have it any other way.
Love you, sis!
P.S. I'm going to try and apologize, but we are not good at that either. I am sure her response will be, "Whatever." Code for, "I love you!"
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