The Homegirl Hanbook!

I hate to hear women say they how they don't have female friends. I have three sisters and I was raised by my  mother and my grandmother. My aunt (my mother's only sister) was also instrumental in my life. These relationships are a vital part of who I am and who I have become. I have some amazing friends in my sorority sisters, church family, co-workers, and friends I grew up with. They have all  taught me to laugh, argue, cry, reflect, pray, encourage, love and dream! Oh and I forgot to mention SHOP! So it really saddens me when I hear women say they can't be friends with other women. I'm like, "Who does that?"

Anyway, one day I was thinking about this and I said to myself, "Self, maybe there should be a handbook on how to be friends. You know a handbook with a few rules to follow to keep everybody in check? " So I came up with a few rules (eight actually...I wanted 10 but I got tired!) to follow when nurturing your female relationships. 

Rule #1- Don’t Share Men

 

This includes, but is not limited to hooking your girl up with a dude you slept with, dating a friend’s ex or current lover, and/ or dating someone you know your friend has feelings for. I know, I know. This could possibly cut off a lot access to fine ass men, but trust me, in the long run following this rule will save you a lot of trouble. In the end you have to know there are other fish in the sea! Oh, don’t forget this little caveat: There’s no such thing as harmless flirting when it comes to your friend’s man. Don’t go there.

 

Rule #2-Be Yourself

 

Don’t be a copycat. Have your own style.

 

Rule #3-Trust Your Friend’s To Be Who They Are

 

Okay, this rule is simple. If your homegirl talks too much, don’t tell her all your business and get mad when everybody in the world knows it. You knew she  talked too much when you opened your mouth. If you have a friend that is always late, why do you insist on giving her the correct time to show up when something starts?  Then you pitch a fit when you are two hours late because you were waiting on her to pick you up. I know you want to believe in your friends. You need someone to talk to as well. You need to unburden all your drama on somebody just so you won’t go crazy. So, you call your homegirl in hopes that this one time you can tell her something and she won’t go blabbing your business. You love her so you give her one more chance. You even tell beg her, "Don't tell anybody!" She tries but sure enough you hear what you told her from your other friend two weeks later. 

In reality, you are not being fair to your friends. You are expecting them to be someone they either are not capable of being, or they don’t want to be.  You mess up when you think they are going to be different people. Call the friend you can trust and talk to her. Tell your sister the show starts 30 minutes early so you can get there on time. I promise you will feel better when you walk in their truth and don't put unrealistic expectations on them.

 

Rule #4- Keep Your Opinions to Yourself

 

We all want to make comments or suggestions on someone’s, style, hair, relationship, decisions, etc… Be like the government- if they don’t ask, you don’t tell! If you hear yourself starting a sentence, "You need to...," "You ought to...," "You should..." STOP! Do not pass GO. You are about to give unsolicited advice and you probably going to offend your friend. Honestly, they don’t really care what you think if they haven’t asked for your opinion. And really, these pieces of advice you are giving are just your way of manipulating your friend into being just like you. But, what would the world be like if we were all the same? Aren't you really their friend because of how different    they are from you? 

 

Rule #5- Don’t Mix Business With Pleasure

 

As a general rule, most friends don’t do business with each other. As a matter of fact, I think a wise man once said, “Don’t go in business with your friends!” Mighta been Confucious or Socrates. Either way, this is good advice. Keep in mind there have been some great businesses that were built upon great friendships. There is nothing written in stone that says this has to be a disastrous situation. Look at Big Boi and Andre, Russell and Run (Brothers can be friends), and of course there is Ben and Jerry. So if you decide to cross this line fine, if you can do it, great. Just remember, business is business and it should never overlap into your friendship. But if you can’t keep the two separate, then don’t even go here. It causes too many problems and you usually end up losing both the business and the friendship. Think Jay-Z and Damon Dash.

 

 

Rule #6- Competition Is Meant For Contests...

 

Not friendship. You don’t win anything when you compete with your friends. All you do is antagonize each other. If every time you look up someone is always trying to do something better than you, they are not your friend.

 

Rule #7- Keeping It Real

 

Oh how we love to say we keep it real. But as Dave Chapelle taught us, keeping it real can go wrong. Especially when we are being “honest” with each other. Don’t get me wrong, there is never a reason to lie to your girl, if she’s a true homegirl. But when you have to be honest, do it with some compassion. Do it with LOVE! Everyone doesn’t respond to well to blunt criticism. Put a little sugar in that bowl when you have to give them the dish. Anything tastes better sweeter.

 

Rule #8- Have Some Honor Among Thieves!

 

Hold up, don’t go out and commit a crime with the broad. If your homegirl is a thief, you need to kick that witch to the curb! Fast. Let me handle this rule gingerly. Some of us have been put in situations where our fidelity to one another has been…tested. For example, Your homegirl is stepping out on her man. You and her man are cool. One night he calls you. General conversation in the beginning, just idle chit-chat. “How are the kids?” “You coming by to watch the game next week?” He knows you gone ask where she is and what she is doing. He tells you, but before you know it he starts talking about their relationship and how he really cares about her. Let’s face it, this is the start of him picking you for information. There is only one thing to do in this situation. Make a quick exit and get your ass off the phone! “The washing machine just stopped. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” “I have to wash the dishes. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” “Hey, it’s eight o’clock. I need to feed my fish. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” Now, if you’re a sensitive person and you and homeboy are really tight, put the responsibility back on him. “Hey, homie, I know you’re hurting but I really don’t have any answers for you. Maybe you should talk to her about how you feelin’. If she say ain’t nothing going on, then you need to trust her. Other than that, I can’t get in y’all business like that. Gotta go. Talk to you later!”  I know you feel sorry for the brother. He crying and shit on the phone, soundin’ pitiful. But remember, your loyalty is to your homegirl, not him. Think about it, if the situation were reversed he would stick with his homeboys. You don’t have to lie…Just don’t answer!

I hope you enjoyed them. As a matter of fact, add to them and share. What are some guidelines to follow when keeping great friends? Remember they are meant to enrich and not constrict. In other words, these rules are fun ways for us to grow with each other and not holy mantras that should be picked apart for accuracy. :)

Enjoy and remember to smile today. Somebody might need it!

tcass & dee! one of her life-long homegirls! 

My People, My People!

In April, my friend Katrina invited me to be apart of a group she started to teach her friends about building wealth and developing financial intelligence. We've had several meetings regarding our credit score, estate planning, and real estate. One of the first lessons I learned is that an easy way to transform your financial portfolio from cash rich/assest poor is to buy a home (yes, there are some of us who don't know that). Being the Libra that I am, I always try to weigh all my options before I make major life altering decisions. Before I moved in my apartment, I took a year to research the neighborhood, evaluate rental rates, investigating floor plans, etc... Finally, I picked a place and moved. I've been in the same place now for six years. So, when we learned in our Ladies Wealth Intelligence group that it was financially savvy to purchase a home instead of renting, I listened but I took my time to research before I made such a huge leap in monthly bills. I've always wanted to move back to my old neighborhood to help rebuild the area, be a role model, and so forth. Most times as we become professionals we forget about the peeps in the 'hood; thus, removing any examples of what success looks like and our neighborhoods continue to flounder. This was my objective when I started the seach for a home. To go home, and give back.

You know what? I don't know if I can do it. I know I am probably handing over my ghetto pass when I say this but why do Black folks tear up a neighborhood? Not just Black people but poor minorities (and I'm sure there are plenty of White people that can be accused of the same things; but frankly, I don't know a lot of White people). I just got some new neighbors. One below and one across. One Black, one not. But both minorities. In the six months they've been here, they keep up a bunch of noise, I have to look at someone everyday standing outside talking on a cordless phone, I'm constantly looking at cigarettes butts and beer cans on the ground, the kids run up and down the steps, the girl below has about six people living in a one bedroom, the husband sits outside blocking the stairway as he eats cereal or hamburgers on a regular basis, and as I walk up the stairs the smell of weed wafting from the apartment across from me gives me an instant contact! One night, the husband even knocked on my door at 10:30 pm and asked if he could borrow $3!!! And they hadn't even been here for a month.

I know, I know. You think I'm being stereotypical. I'm starting to sound like Bill Cosby. First, let me say that this really saddens me that I feel this way. I'm actually ashamed, but I have had plenty of neighbors in my six years in my apartment and there has never been this much activity. Truthfully, I wasn't raised in the suburbs. This is an innercity kid talking. Furthermore, I was a parole officer for two years and I would spend all day driving in neighborhoods were we (my people) lived. I have been teaching in a high school were the population is half African-American/ half Hispanic for seven years. And I'm not one of those teachers that drives to school and then drives home. I go to the grocery store, Walmart, visit my friends, so I get a pretty good indication of the neighborhood. And everyday I want to give a speech...it would go somethinglike this:

Black and Brown People,
Just because we're poor doesn't mean we shouldn't take care of the things we have. Care adds value; so please, respect your property. Take care of it. Stop parking your cars on your lawn. Every now and then water the yard and cut the grass. If you can't afford it call your city Parks and Recreation Department; they offer a lot of services for free. You pay taxes and they know a beautiful city is attractive to potential businesses. That's free PR. Don't let your kids run up and down the street all hours of the night, hang around blocking traffic, and then cry on tv when they're in an accident. Paint the outside of your home. Please respect other people's right to sleep and keep the noise level down. I'm not talking about the occassional party or get together; but do you have to be loud every night? And, basketball and football are wonderful sports. I love them. I watch them all the time but do I have to watch you play it in the street...everyday! Go to the park sometimes. Remember times are different now. We live in a world of sex offenders, rapists, and serial killers so be careful when you are talking to people you just met. Get a leash for your Pittbull or Rottweiler. If the dog is so vicious that you need a six inch chain when you walk him down the street, he probably needs to be in the pound. And don't take it personally if people are a little wary to talk to you. Sometimes it's not about skin color. Sometimes it's about being safe, especially when you're asking me for $3 in the middle of the night. When you get a new store and you know your friend is planning on robbing it, tell them no. It's ridiculous to have to drive 30 minutes across town to find a decent grocery store! And last but not least, call the cops on those crack heads down the street. They mean us no good; and frankly, they're part of the reason we can't get Domino's to deliver.