The Homegirl Hanbook!

I hate to hear women say they how they don't have female friends. I have three sisters and I was raised by my  mother and my grandmother. My aunt (my mother's only sister) was also instrumental in my life. These relationships are a vital part of who I am and who I have become. I have some amazing friends in my sorority sisters, church family, co-workers, and friends I grew up with. They have all  taught me to laugh, argue, cry, reflect, pray, encourage, love and dream! Oh and I forgot to mention SHOP! So it really saddens me when I hear women say they can't be friends with other women. I'm like, "Who does that?"

Anyway, one day I was thinking about this and I said to myself, "Self, maybe there should be a handbook on how to be friends. You know a handbook with a few rules to follow to keep everybody in check? " So I came up with a few rules (eight actually...I wanted 10 but I got tired!) to follow when nurturing your female relationships. 

Rule #1- Don’t Share Men

 

This includes, but is not limited to hooking your girl up with a dude you slept with, dating a friend’s ex or current lover, and/ or dating someone you know your friend has feelings for. I know, I know. This could possibly cut off a lot access to fine ass men, but trust me, in the long run following this rule will save you a lot of trouble. In the end you have to know there are other fish in the sea! Oh, don’t forget this little caveat: There’s no such thing as harmless flirting when it comes to your friend’s man. Don’t go there.

 

Rule #2-Be Yourself

 

Don’t be a copycat. Have your own style.

 

Rule #3-Trust Your Friend’s To Be Who They Are

 

Okay, this rule is simple. If your homegirl talks too much, don’t tell her all your business and get mad when everybody in the world knows it. You knew she  talked too much when you opened your mouth. If you have a friend that is always late, why do you insist on giving her the correct time to show up when something starts?  Then you pitch a fit when you are two hours late because you were waiting on her to pick you up. I know you want to believe in your friends. You need someone to talk to as well. You need to unburden all your drama on somebody just so you won’t go crazy. So, you call your homegirl in hopes that this one time you can tell her something and she won’t go blabbing your business. You love her so you give her one more chance. You even tell beg her, "Don't tell anybody!" She tries but sure enough you hear what you told her from your other friend two weeks later. 

In reality, you are not being fair to your friends. You are expecting them to be someone they either are not capable of being, or they don’t want to be.  You mess up when you think they are going to be different people. Call the friend you can trust and talk to her. Tell your sister the show starts 30 minutes early so you can get there on time. I promise you will feel better when you walk in their truth and don't put unrealistic expectations on them.

 

Rule #4- Keep Your Opinions to Yourself

 

We all want to make comments or suggestions on someone’s, style, hair, relationship, decisions, etc… Be like the government- if they don’t ask, you don’t tell! If you hear yourself starting a sentence, "You need to...," "You ought to...," "You should..." STOP! Do not pass GO. You are about to give unsolicited advice and you probably going to offend your friend. Honestly, they don’t really care what you think if they haven’t asked for your opinion. And really, these pieces of advice you are giving are just your way of manipulating your friend into being just like you. But, what would the world be like if we were all the same? Aren't you really their friend because of how different    they are from you? 

 

Rule #5- Don’t Mix Business With Pleasure

 

As a general rule, most friends don’t do business with each other. As a matter of fact, I think a wise man once said, “Don’t go in business with your friends!” Mighta been Confucious or Socrates. Either way, this is good advice. Keep in mind there have been some great businesses that were built upon great friendships. There is nothing written in stone that says this has to be a disastrous situation. Look at Big Boi and Andre, Russell and Run (Brothers can be friends), and of course there is Ben and Jerry. So if you decide to cross this line fine, if you can do it, great. Just remember, business is business and it should never overlap into your friendship. But if you can’t keep the two separate, then don’t even go here. It causes too many problems and you usually end up losing both the business and the friendship. Think Jay-Z and Damon Dash.

 

 

Rule #6- Competition Is Meant For Contests...

 

Not friendship. You don’t win anything when you compete with your friends. All you do is antagonize each other. If every time you look up someone is always trying to do something better than you, they are not your friend.

 

Rule #7- Keeping It Real

 

Oh how we love to say we keep it real. But as Dave Chapelle taught us, keeping it real can go wrong. Especially when we are being “honest” with each other. Don’t get me wrong, there is never a reason to lie to your girl, if she’s a true homegirl. But when you have to be honest, do it with some compassion. Do it with LOVE! Everyone doesn’t respond to well to blunt criticism. Put a little sugar in that bowl when you have to give them the dish. Anything tastes better sweeter.

 

Rule #8- Have Some Honor Among Thieves!

 

Hold up, don’t go out and commit a crime with the broad. If your homegirl is a thief, you need to kick that witch to the curb! Fast. Let me handle this rule gingerly. Some of us have been put in situations where our fidelity to one another has been…tested. For example, Your homegirl is stepping out on her man. You and her man are cool. One night he calls you. General conversation in the beginning, just idle chit-chat. “How are the kids?” “You coming by to watch the game next week?” He knows you gone ask where she is and what she is doing. He tells you, but before you know it he starts talking about their relationship and how he really cares about her. Let’s face it, this is the start of him picking you for information. There is only one thing to do in this situation. Make a quick exit and get your ass off the phone! “The washing machine just stopped. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” “I have to wash the dishes. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” “Hey, it’s eight o’clock. I need to feed my fish. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” Now, if you’re a sensitive person and you and homeboy are really tight, put the responsibility back on him. “Hey, homie, I know you’re hurting but I really don’t have any answers for you. Maybe you should talk to her about how you feelin’. If she say ain’t nothing going on, then you need to trust her. Other than that, I can’t get in y’all business like that. Gotta go. Talk to you later!”  I know you feel sorry for the brother. He crying and shit on the phone, soundin’ pitiful. But remember, your loyalty is to your homegirl, not him. Think about it, if the situation were reversed he would stick with his homeboys. You don’t have to lie…Just don’t answer!

I hope you enjoyed them. As a matter of fact, add to them and share. What are some guidelines to follow when keeping great friends? Remember they are meant to enrich and not constrict. In other words, these rules are fun ways for us to grow with each other and not holy mantras that should be picked apart for accuracy. :)

Enjoy and remember to smile today. Somebody might need it!

tcass & dee! one of her life-long homegirls!