Nest of Love?

Okay...so I have a wasps' nest on the side of my house. It is right next to the gate that opens my fence. Being the courageous insect fighter that I am I bought some spray that will reach up to 27ft. My plan was to spray the nest this morning after I fed my dog, Pepper. Furthermore, experts recommend, or at the least the directions on the side of the can state that you should spray the nest in the early morning hours or at sunset when the wasps are more likely to be asleep. So my plan was to spray then run in the house if a few yellow-jackets were awake and decided they wanted revenge on the wasp-slayer.

Well, guess what? I forgot the can! Didn't realize it until I was back in the house. I immediately had to reevaluate my plan. You see, once I feed Pepper and come back in the house I don't like going back outside. She has attachment issues (another story). So I just settled in my mind that I would spray the nest tomorrow morning. 

Then a thought popped in my head,"Spray them tonight right before your evening walk. I can spray from the outside of the fence instead of the inside, walk Pepper, and by the time we return any angry wasps will have fled. This way I won't get stung and I don't have angry wasps chasing my dog in the back yard." Yes, this was a better plan!

Then my light bulb went off. This is what God has been trying to tell me about being single and waiting on my future husband. 

Last night, my church had a mentoring for marriage program designed to give insight to singles on successful marriages. One of our panelists made the point, "You might have a plan for your life but trust that God has a better one. You have to be ready to receive what He has for you."

I had a good plan but God had a better one. One that is designed for my protection and safety. One that will protect both parties and not just me. You see my first plan was about me. It was selfish. My main concern was that I didn't get hurt. I never even thought about the possibility of the wasps getting after my dog. It was all about me. Well honestly, I am now responsible for more than just myself. I have to protect both myself and Pepper from the sting of the nest. God in His Divine way designs partners for our lives where we can flourish and not flounder! So when the First Lady of my church says, you might be ready but God may be working on Him maybe she means that God is refining both of us to make us stronger. So that we are both ready for the challenges that a life-long relationship can bring. Let's  face it, forever is a long time. And, I'm sure there will  many bumps, bruises, and stings along the way.  God wants us both to be healthy, prepared individuals and it is His job to make sure we are both ready. Seems simple enough, right? However, most the mantra of most single women is, "I'm ready! When is God going to send him?" Answer: When you are both ready because it's about what's best for both people! 

When the panelist initially made her point, I understood it. At least I thought so. But, God knew my comprehension was theoretical and not practical. Singleness is protection from the pain of harmful relationships. Singleness is an opportunity to prepare for God's purpose for your life! 

The threat of the physical harm of a wasp's sting made things so clear. It was...well practical and not theoretical. My safety and the protection of my dog were my top priority. Shouldn't my emotional and romantic protection be just as important? It is to God. 

I had a good chuckle at my own expense. He used a wasps' nest to remind me that He has my best interest at heart! My only job is to follow his plan, keep moving, and then wait for the fulfillment of His promises. All I can do is praise Him! 

Hope this blesses someone today. :=}

The Homegirl Hanbook!

I hate to hear women say they how they don't have female friends. I have three sisters and I was raised by my  mother and my grandmother. My aunt (my mother's only sister) was also instrumental in my life. These relationships are a vital part of who I am and who I have become. I have some amazing friends in my sorority sisters, church family, co-workers, and friends I grew up with. They have all  taught me to laugh, argue, cry, reflect, pray, encourage, love and dream! Oh and I forgot to mention SHOP! So it really saddens me when I hear women say they can't be friends with other women. I'm like, "Who does that?"

Anyway, one day I was thinking about this and I said to myself, "Self, maybe there should be a handbook on how to be friends. You know a handbook with a few rules to follow to keep everybody in check? " So I came up with a few rules (eight actually...I wanted 10 but I got tired!) to follow when nurturing your female relationships. 

Rule #1- Don’t Share Men

 

This includes, but is not limited to hooking your girl up with a dude you slept with, dating a friend’s ex or current lover, and/ or dating someone you know your friend has feelings for. I know, I know. This could possibly cut off a lot access to fine ass men, but trust me, in the long run following this rule will save you a lot of trouble. In the end you have to know there are other fish in the sea! Oh, don’t forget this little caveat: There’s no such thing as harmless flirting when it comes to your friend’s man. Don’t go there.

 

Rule #2-Be Yourself

 

Don’t be a copycat. Have your own style.

 

Rule #3-Trust Your Friend’s To Be Who They Are

 

Okay, this rule is simple. If your homegirl talks too much, don’t tell her all your business and get mad when everybody in the world knows it. You knew she  talked too much when you opened your mouth. If you have a friend that is always late, why do you insist on giving her the correct time to show up when something starts?  Then you pitch a fit when you are two hours late because you were waiting on her to pick you up. I know you want to believe in your friends. You need someone to talk to as well. You need to unburden all your drama on somebody just so you won’t go crazy. So, you call your homegirl in hopes that this one time you can tell her something and she won’t go blabbing your business. You love her so you give her one more chance. You even tell beg her, "Don't tell anybody!" She tries but sure enough you hear what you told her from your other friend two weeks later. 

In reality, you are not being fair to your friends. You are expecting them to be someone they either are not capable of being, or they don’t want to be.  You mess up when you think they are going to be different people. Call the friend you can trust and talk to her. Tell your sister the show starts 30 minutes early so you can get there on time. I promise you will feel better when you walk in their truth and don't put unrealistic expectations on them.

 

Rule #4- Keep Your Opinions to Yourself

 

We all want to make comments or suggestions on someone’s, style, hair, relationship, decisions, etc… Be like the government- if they don’t ask, you don’t tell! If you hear yourself starting a sentence, "You need to...," "You ought to...," "You should..." STOP! Do not pass GO. You are about to give unsolicited advice and you probably going to offend your friend. Honestly, they don’t really care what you think if they haven’t asked for your opinion. And really, these pieces of advice you are giving are just your way of manipulating your friend into being just like you. But, what would the world be like if we were all the same? Aren't you really their friend because of how different    they are from you? 

 

Rule #5- Don’t Mix Business With Pleasure

 

As a general rule, most friends don’t do business with each other. As a matter of fact, I think a wise man once said, “Don’t go in business with your friends!” Mighta been Confucious or Socrates. Either way, this is good advice. Keep in mind there have been some great businesses that were built upon great friendships. There is nothing written in stone that says this has to be a disastrous situation. Look at Big Boi and Andre, Russell and Run (Brothers can be friends), and of course there is Ben and Jerry. So if you decide to cross this line fine, if you can do it, great. Just remember, business is business and it should never overlap into your friendship. But if you can’t keep the two separate, then don’t even go here. It causes too many problems and you usually end up losing both the business and the friendship. Think Jay-Z and Damon Dash.

 

 

Rule #6- Competition Is Meant For Contests...

 

Not friendship. You don’t win anything when you compete with your friends. All you do is antagonize each other. If every time you look up someone is always trying to do something better than you, they are not your friend.

 

Rule #7- Keeping It Real

 

Oh how we love to say we keep it real. But as Dave Chapelle taught us, keeping it real can go wrong. Especially when we are being “honest” with each other. Don’t get me wrong, there is never a reason to lie to your girl, if she’s a true homegirl. But when you have to be honest, do it with some compassion. Do it with LOVE! Everyone doesn’t respond to well to blunt criticism. Put a little sugar in that bowl when you have to give them the dish. Anything tastes better sweeter.

 

Rule #8- Have Some Honor Among Thieves!

 

Hold up, don’t go out and commit a crime with the broad. If your homegirl is a thief, you need to kick that witch to the curb! Fast. Let me handle this rule gingerly. Some of us have been put in situations where our fidelity to one another has been…tested. For example, Your homegirl is stepping out on her man. You and her man are cool. One night he calls you. General conversation in the beginning, just idle chit-chat. “How are the kids?” “You coming by to watch the game next week?” He knows you gone ask where she is and what she is doing. He tells you, but before you know it he starts talking about their relationship and how he really cares about her. Let’s face it, this is the start of him picking you for information. There is only one thing to do in this situation. Make a quick exit and get your ass off the phone! “The washing machine just stopped. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” “I have to wash the dishes. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” “Hey, it’s eight o’clock. I need to feed my fish. Gotta go. Talk to you later!” Now, if you’re a sensitive person and you and homeboy are really tight, put the responsibility back on him. “Hey, homie, I know you’re hurting but I really don’t have any answers for you. Maybe you should talk to her about how you feelin’. If she say ain’t nothing going on, then you need to trust her. Other than that, I can’t get in y’all business like that. Gotta go. Talk to you later!”  I know you feel sorry for the brother. He crying and shit on the phone, soundin’ pitiful. But remember, your loyalty is to your homegirl, not him. Think about it, if the situation were reversed he would stick with his homeboys. You don’t have to lie…Just don’t answer!

I hope you enjoyed them. As a matter of fact, add to them and share. What are some guidelines to follow when keeping great friends? Remember they are meant to enrich and not constrict. In other words, these rules are fun ways for us to grow with each other and not holy mantras that should be picked apart for accuracy. :)

Enjoy and remember to smile today. Somebody might need it!

tcass & dee! one of her life-long homegirls! 

My People, My People!

In April, my friend Katrina invited me to be apart of a group she started to teach her friends about building wealth and developing financial intelligence. We've had several meetings regarding our credit score, estate planning, and real estate. One of the first lessons I learned is that an easy way to transform your financial portfolio from cash rich/assest poor is to buy a home (yes, there are some of us who don't know that). Being the Libra that I am, I always try to weigh all my options before I make major life altering decisions. Before I moved in my apartment, I took a year to research the neighborhood, evaluate rental rates, investigating floor plans, etc... Finally, I picked a place and moved. I've been in the same place now for six years. So, when we learned in our Ladies Wealth Intelligence group that it was financially savvy to purchase a home instead of renting, I listened but I took my time to research before I made such a huge leap in monthly bills. I've always wanted to move back to my old neighborhood to help rebuild the area, be a role model, and so forth. Most times as we become professionals we forget about the peeps in the 'hood; thus, removing any examples of what success looks like and our neighborhoods continue to flounder. This was my objective when I started the seach for a home. To go home, and give back.

You know what? I don't know if I can do it. I know I am probably handing over my ghetto pass when I say this but why do Black folks tear up a neighborhood? Not just Black people but poor minorities (and I'm sure there are plenty of White people that can be accused of the same things; but frankly, I don't know a lot of White people). I just got some new neighbors. One below and one across. One Black, one not. But both minorities. In the six months they've been here, they keep up a bunch of noise, I have to look at someone everyday standing outside talking on a cordless phone, I'm constantly looking at cigarettes butts and beer cans on the ground, the kids run up and down the steps, the girl below has about six people living in a one bedroom, the husband sits outside blocking the stairway as he eats cereal or hamburgers on a regular basis, and as I walk up the stairs the smell of weed wafting from the apartment across from me gives me an instant contact! One night, the husband even knocked on my door at 10:30 pm and asked if he could borrow $3!!! And they hadn't even been here for a month.

I know, I know. You think I'm being stereotypical. I'm starting to sound like Bill Cosby. First, let me say that this really saddens me that I feel this way. I'm actually ashamed, but I have had plenty of neighbors in my six years in my apartment and there has never been this much activity. Truthfully, I wasn't raised in the suburbs. This is an innercity kid talking. Furthermore, I was a parole officer for two years and I would spend all day driving in neighborhoods were we (my people) lived. I have been teaching in a high school were the population is half African-American/ half Hispanic for seven years. And I'm not one of those teachers that drives to school and then drives home. I go to the grocery store, Walmart, visit my friends, so I get a pretty good indication of the neighborhood. And everyday I want to give a speech...it would go somethinglike this:

Black and Brown People,
Just because we're poor doesn't mean we shouldn't take care of the things we have. Care adds value; so please, respect your property. Take care of it. Stop parking your cars on your lawn. Every now and then water the yard and cut the grass. If you can't afford it call your city Parks and Recreation Department; they offer a lot of services for free. You pay taxes and they know a beautiful city is attractive to potential businesses. That's free PR. Don't let your kids run up and down the street all hours of the night, hang around blocking traffic, and then cry on tv when they're in an accident. Paint the outside of your home. Please respect other people's right to sleep and keep the noise level down. I'm not talking about the occassional party or get together; but do you have to be loud every night? And, basketball and football are wonderful sports. I love them. I watch them all the time but do I have to watch you play it in the street...everyday! Go to the park sometimes. Remember times are different now. We live in a world of sex offenders, rapists, and serial killers so be careful when you are talking to people you just met. Get a leash for your Pittbull or Rottweiler. If the dog is so vicious that you need a six inch chain when you walk him down the street, he probably needs to be in the pound. And don't take it personally if people are a little wary to talk to you. Sometimes it's not about skin color. Sometimes it's about being safe, especially when you're asking me for $3 in the middle of the night. When you get a new store and you know your friend is planning on robbing it, tell them no. It's ridiculous to have to drive 30 minutes across town to find a decent grocery store! And last but not least, call the cops on those crack heads down the street. They mean us no good; and frankly, they're part of the reason we can't get Domino's to deliver.

The Real You!

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned smile? I am overwhelmed by the number Tyra-esque pictures on the internet. Normal, everyday people striking red carpet poses at normal, everyday events. Knee bent, head tilted, shoulders back. Every picture you take doesn't have to be carefully contrived. A normal picture doesn't mean you are less beautiful. It just means you are...well...normal! Be you! Be real and let the lens capture your genuineness and sincerity. JUST SMILE! #mytwocents

Wealthy Pauper!

Saturday, I had a yard sale. It was a grueling four hours of work. I mean it was brutal. Setting up tables, hanging up clothes, posting flyers, and organizing display settings. All while enduring the Texas heat at high noon! I was exhausted but excited. I knew that yard sale was a step in the right direction to my financial freedom. And besides that, I was looking forward to the financial payoff the sale was sure to bring. Cha-Ching! 

made a wopping $10.

Discouraged? Yes. Disappointed? Yes. Deterred? Not even! You see I realized a few weeks ago that I live in a fantasy world. One of my own creation.  For the first few years...no more than that, most of my adult life, I have lived a life beyond my means. Why? Well, I really  I thought I could afford it. The main reason is that I like nice things. Things that I really don't need. Yet, in my heart I felt like if I worked everyday I ought to have the things I wanted. So I bought what I wanted. If I saw it, I bought it. If i wanted to, I did it. Whatever it was, I made a way. Even if it meant waiting to take care of a monthly responsibility. Transalation: I would miss paying a bill to go shopping. (Hey, at least I'm being honest). The bright side of this concept is that I have experienced some amazing things in my life and I have looked and felt good doing them. The down side...people eventually want their money!

I am, what I like to call,  a wealthy pauper.  I have a home. I have a reliable vehicle. By my definition wealth is defined by my home, my car, and my ability to vacation and splurge. And when I shop, I shop! Although I am modest, I love, love LOVE designer labels. And I like timesless labels. Things that will last. If it's trendy, I probably won't have it; however, classic items always catch my eye. Finally, I don't bargain shop. At all. Why? I don't have the patience for it. This not the true definition of wealth. Real wealth occurs when your money works for you. And I definitely work for my money! But for my current state of mind and for the creative use of my oxymoronic title, I felt it was the appropriate term. 

With all of the things that I have and that I am able, or at least that I am doing, my bank account is bleeding. I live paycheck to paycheck. I have to, I MUST, go to work everyday which is a horrible feeling on those days when I'm not so enthusiastic about my chosen profession. Reality check: I am literally broke! How sad. To be a college graduate, a professional, and yet be an economic slave because I have no self-control.

I regret that it has taken me until I am in my forties to realize that I have become enslaved to materialism. However, I am grateful to God that I have been allowed the opportunity for financial redemption without any major financial catastrophes. Through conviction and confession, I have studied the concept of good stewardship and I am making a deliberate effort at reformation.

This is hard work people. Hard! Thus, the reason for the yard sale. I want to decorate my house so I have some trash to treasure items that I felt could help fund my DIY projects.  Thankfully, the yard sale reminded me that this is a long journey and I must now practice the concept of delayed gratification. Delaying my need to be satisfied is not an impossible task but it relies on a virtue that God has been working on in me all of my life: PATIENCE. I don't have it! However, if I am to grow financially and cease being a wealthy pauper patience is a requirement.

I should be embarrased to share this part of my life but I'm not. I know someone has experienced, is experiencing, or is about to experience this same trial. So I don't want to leave you to with the horror story of my economic outlook. I want to leave you with a message of hope...and a few strategies.

You see I have faith that my net worth can and will improve and one day I will be a true example of a wealthy individual. The Bible states that God "is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us (Eph. 3:20)." I trust God to deliver me from this unhealthy habit of financial irresponsibilty; yet scripture is clear, God will bless me according to power that dwells in me. Don't get it twisted. He CAN do it without me but he wants to use me. I have power in Jesus Christ to fix this situation. I have work to do! So here is my plan for the work...just in case you were wondering.

First, continue to tithe. Off the gross and not the net! If you need a scriptural reference then peruse Malachi 3:10. It's a great read and if you read the entire chapter (it's short) you will learn that the tithe is about much more than giving God 10% of your money.  Second, the Word of God also says, "The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.(2 Thel. 3:10)."  I plan to continue to work (I really wish I didn't have to...sigh). I also need a side hustle. It's not my first choice; yet, I am willing to make the sacrifice until I am debt free. Next, God also tells me in Romans 13:8, "owe no man nothing." Consequently, my next steps are to take care of my finacial responsibilities first. Translation: Pay my bills first! It's that simple. The next step is to scale back. There are just some things I don't need, i.e. movie channels on cable. Shopping has to wait. I don't have to eat out everday. My new hobbies include cooking and taking my lunch. You will be surprised at how much money you save and how much weight you might lose. (Taken from the Dave Ramsey School of Recovery!) Finally, it is urgent that I save. I'm starting small. Proverbs 13: 11 says, "Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it." Dollars, quarters, dimes, and nickles I save it. I have about $50 a month that goes directly into a savings account. It's small, but it's a start. We are getting a raise so I will go up twety-five more. The $10 I made yesterday, I paid $1 in my tithe and I put $9 away for my redcorating projects. I don't have much right now; however, I am looking forward to the day when my start is just a memory and my finish is a healthy bank account. 

There are many people who save more and a lot of them are much younger than I am. But honestly, I don't care. I can't measure myself against their success. Again, this is my journey. And although it is difficult and challenging I am encouraged that God is using this situation to bring me closer to him. To teach me to give him complete control and to be humbly obedient. I'm in the finacial valley right now. But one day, folks, I will stand at my economic mountaintop and declare victory! CHA-CHING! 

Competition: The enemy of success

I have a problem with competition. I hate it. I was never a competitor. At least not with other people. My biggest opponent is myself. I am constantly challenging myself to do better and to BE better. To try new things. To learn new or more information. I have an internal scoreboard that I can never beat! I guess that is why I hate competition so much because in my mind I am always losing against myself.

This love/hate relationship that I have with competition is very frustrating especially as an adult woman. Women are fierce competitors with each other. I don't know why. It's an art form with us. Healthy competition can motivate people to accomplish great things but competition that is driven by jealousy or envy is one of our worst enemies. Yet, it's not like we can rid ourselves of this adversary. So how do we navigate life in a world that pits us against each other?

I wish I had the perfect solution. All I can offer you is a strategy. There are two things that you can do. First, ask yourself, what do I love to do? What are my gifts and strengths? Once you figure out the answer to those questions work every day to use those gifts. Second and finally, live your life and do everything to the glory of God. When you follow God's will for your life it doesn't matter who is competing with you, even if it is yourself, you can't lose! He will never give you an assignment in which He wants you to fail. It may be challenging but if He gave it to you, He will equip you for the task.

As I grow older and, hopefully, wiser, I find that it is not worth my time to worry about people, women, who consider themselves my rivals, whether consciously or unconsciously. And, you shouldn't either. My only requirement is that I LIVE the life God gave me! I used to take pride in this sport as I thought that somehow it was a form of imitation or flattery and somehow I inspired people. I can no longer take credit for that. If there is a light in me that someone wants to emulate, that light is God given and God inspired. So, it's not me you see but the Holy Spirit working through me! I am honored that He chooses me to do anything.

Life is too short to take on a goal that is not your own. So if you find yourself competing, whether the champion or the challenger, take your eyes off your opponent. Fix your eyes on Christ! Use whatever He gives you to glorify Him. With Him in your corner, you can never fail and you will NEVER have to compete!

Re-Post: Loving Yourself

In this age of plastic and cosmetic surgery, infomercials and self-help therapy it is a daily struggle for anyone to be satisfied with what they were born with, myself included. Last New Year's instead of resolutions I made commitments. To me this was a better way to work on some things and have room to make mistakes. If I messed up I could start over since I was committed to whatever task I assigned myself. This sounded much better than a resolution wherein if you messed up you were a complete failure. One of my commitments was to love myself more each day than I did the day before. Sounds easy; not necessarily. It seems the minute I said it, there were constant reminders of things to detest about myself so I was in a daily struggle. Sometimes I won...and sometimes I needed to go back to the drawing board! But I'll tell you, I wouldn't change that commitment for anything in the world. Embracing yourself for who you are is hard, because the world will tell you that something about you needs fixing. You're ugly. Fat. Stupid. Black. Your hair is nappy. You're too short. Your attitude is bad. You suck at your job. But...when you take the time to love yourself it is an empowering feeling. And I'm not just talking about vanity. What I'm talking about is ...acceptance. I had to say to myself everyday, "This is me. Like it or love it, these are the gifts God gave me and if I use them right, I can change the world." When I recognized that, it gave me courage and strength. Courage to try new and different things. Courage to make new friends. Courage to be myself. Courage to improve my health. The strength to say that I might need a new job. Strength to suffer through a budget and improve my credit. The strength to say no and eliminate some things in my life that needed to be removed. And now when I look back, these are all the things I would have made resolutions about anyway. True, I wish I could have done a better job on some of these things; but I did them nonetheless, and I surprised myself at how successful I really was. So this new year, I am committing to loving myself in 2006 more than I did in 2005, and I can't wait to see the result!!!

P.S. Written in 2006 but still true in 2013. Repost!